Video transcript:

00:00:11:22 - 00:00:16:07

Announcer

What is rest for you?

00:00:16:15 - 00:00:46:22

Speaker 1

For me, like truly resting is honestly doing something by myself where I don't have to worry about necessarily talking. A the way for me to just disconnect a little bit, and I guess I focus on just one thing that I'm doing instead of trying to multi-task, or instead of trying to be "on".

00:00:46:23 - 00:00:58:01

Speaker 2

I sometimes feel guilty for the rest that I take. But I know it's needed and I know that everyone needs rest.

00:00:58:01 - 00:01:05:10

Speaker 3

A time where I can freely be myself without feeling like I have obligations.

00:01:05:11 - 00:01:23:02

Speaker 4

I guess right out the gate I have chronic fatigue syndrome so rest is kind of necessary so you don't get worse. So I guess that means of recovery and also means of not getting worse.

00:01:23:02 - 00:01:52:08

Speaker 5

Not having that cognitive load. I mean there have been times where I haven't had any tasks I mean over breaks and so forth. And, and just being able to not be concerned or insecure or worried or burdened by, you know, "Am I forgetting something? Am I?" you know, "Am I missing something?" I mean, just not having to worry about the ability to perform.

00:01:52:10 - 00:02:05:13

Speaker 6

Sort of stems from a mindset, right? Like, I think that there's, you know, like resting of the body is one thing but if with your mind is not resting it doesn't feel restful.

00:02:05:14 - 00:02:13:05

Speaker 7

Not doing anything. Like, doing absolutely nothing doesn't necessarily mean resting either.

00:02:13:05 - 00:02:21:03

Speaker 8

Rest doesn't have to be when you're laying your head down or you know, when you're sleeping.

00:02:21:04 - 00:02:30:21

Speaker 9

I'd say that rest is taking care of yourself in whatever way that you need to be.

00:02:30:22 - 00:02:48:11

Speaker 10

Okay rest for me means falling asleep on the couch after work [Laughs].

00:02:52:22 - 00:02:55:21

Announcer

What is vulnerability for you?

00:02:57:13 - 00:03:22:13

Speaker 1

I like to open myself up to myself. Being in the zone in the work area that I can feel free I could do more than I could imagine.

00:03:22:14 - 00:03:32:21

Speaker 2

It feels like something when you send stuff out there and you don't know where it's going. Is what vulnerability is like it's, ceding control.

00:03:32:23 - 00:04:24:04

Speaker 3

Well I have epilepsy and I have grand mal seizures so obviously that's pretty vulnerable. And so I'm not really present in that moment and when I'm not there I don't have like control of the situation and I think I'm so like control is like one of those aspects I cherish really like partially when I'm around and then, I have a seizure and that's really like, that's really personal and that can be super vulnerable sometimes, especially like you know just situations that other people you might not be present for and then you know people have to find you. So I'd say that's pretty vulnerable because I have no control over that situation.

00:04:24:03 - 00:04:57:16

Speaker 4

Involves allowing other people to, to come in and, and see you at your worst. I think through my hospital experiences I think at first I didn't want people's help I didn't want anyone to see me that way I wanted to be perceived as normal. But now, I realize that that people want help and, and they're willing to help.

00:04:57:16 - 00:05:32:04

Speaker 4

Less posing. Like, I feel like I'm being brave in saying that I'm not doing well but then I'm also creating that a little bit to make it less intense for people so it's less alienating for them when I talk about how I'm doing. Ideally someday it'll be just straight up honesty about how I'm doing without like sugarcoating it or curating it for the other person to feel more comfortable. 'Cause it's a little bit of an alien concept, the idea of just your baseline state not being well.

00:05:32:05 - 00:06:11:06

Speaker 5

It is when people react differently than I expect them to.You know whether it's in a conversation. Whether it's dealing with them on a professional level. When they don't respond in a manner that I have perceived they were going to respond, that sometimes catches me off guard and I have to, have to step back from that.

00:06:11:07 - 00:06:18:19

Speaker 6

Sometimes I shut down but I'm used to, to talk to other people about my feelings.

00:06:18:20 - 00:06:49:13

Speaker 7

If your thoughts and like, the thoughts that you have internally are like sealed off from the wider world by like walls of like, of you not speaking and you not actively trying to think those thoughts. Vulnerability is the ability to lower those walls and then be able to just express any thoughts that you have, any thoughts that you might be scared of having with anyone who you're willing to be vulnerable around.

00:06:49:14 - 00:07:09:11

Speaker 8

The vulnerability of anything is when I come home and I'm I turn that off like I'm in that state that I was when I woke up that morning. I'm, I'm just I feel muted, I feel bleak I just I feel broken.

00:07:09:12 - 00:07:31:06

Speaker 9

So for myself I have a dynamic disability and I don't always know how the constellation of things I've been engaging with physically over the day over the course of multiple days is going to manifest in my body. Vulnerability there also feels like uncertainty.

00:07:31:06 - 00:07:39:22

Speaker 10

Weakness. Something that I don't like to do.

00:07:39:22 - 00:07:59:00

Speaker 11

A form of vulnerability is the capacity to be vulnerable with yourself. I mean, vulnerability and honesty these things are positive characteristics but they, they in some contexts make us uncomfortable. Especially when it comes to examining oneself.

00:08:04:21 - 00:08:10:04

Announcer

What is comparison for you?

00:08:10:05 - 00:08:29:15

Speaker 1

The worst thing I could do for my health but me being a what other people have and what I don't is kind of what what it ends up a lot of the time. So it's not super helpful for me.

00:08:29:16 - 00:08:43:06

Speaker 3

Comparison is like a killer. It really just, I think can stifle you in a lot of ways and discourage you from pursuing things you want to do, or trying your best at something.

00:08:43:07 - 00:08:57:09

Speaker 4

Aspirational. Or they could be, yeah a place for creating loss and negative self-talk.

00:08:57:10 - 00:09:06:11

Speaker 5

So I think of comparison as maybe double-edged a lot of it is about framing.

00:09:06:13 - 00:09:27:05

Speaker 6

Oftentimes it's pretty vast in the differences. So I have to craft around myself and try to avoid comparing myself to others. And, and just realize that that my situation's unique and, I'm handling it how how I can handle it and how I want to handle it.

00:09:27:06 - 00:09:34:13

Speaker 7

Really annoying. Because you can never account for all factors.

00:09:34:14 - 00:10:25:23

Speaker 8

But within the disabled community I do a lot of comparison too because since everything that I have is invisible comparison kind of takes the form of imposter syndrome I think in that I know I'm disabled but I have a hard time allowing myself to feel disabled. When I'm around other disabled people 'cause I feel like, "Oh well, I can... like I can pretend in public, you know, that I'm not. And so I have like that extra level of, of privacy where I can choose to express it or not. And so I think I compare myself in a way that kind of puts myself down identity-wise. When I'm around other disabled people 'cause I feel like, "Well, my stuff isn't that bad, so... " you know, even if it's just bad in a different way.

00:10:28:16 - 00:10:59:11

Speaker 9

The outlining of difference. Comparison is seeing what you have, seeing what someone else has, and, forcing yourself to draw a line between the two. It isn't allowing yourself to be or allowing other people to be. It's putting pressure on you. And it's putting pressure on other people.

00:10:59:12 - 00:12:10:13

Speaker 10

There's like an ongoing pandemic... so like I graduated high school in 2020 so that was just like when everything hit. And just like the life that I was like living before everything like happened was just like I was [a] completely different person. I was like super spontaneous, I was like so energetic. I didn't have to think about like making plans, or like making sure everything was safe for myself or like, that everyone wasn't, like sick or was like, going to infect me. And like I wasn't afraid of like going outside. Like four years after the fact I kinda just like compare, like who I am right now to like who I was back then. My loneliness now, to like the social fulfillment I felt back then and I just feel like lesser as a person and not really like fully able to grasp that personhood that I should be guaranteed to everyone and is just like it feels denied to me right now.

00:12:13:21 - 00:12:19:10

Announcer

What is cure for you?

00:12:19:12 - 00:12:23:00

Speaker 1

Cure is beyond my reach.

00:12:23:01 - 00:12:30:00

Speaker 2

Like, for me it's, impossible. Something that you can only think about.

00:12:30:00 - 00:12:44:21

Speaker 3

I don't really know if like a cure exists for any- thing I think it's more of a concept that we use kinda lightly.

00:12:44:22 - 00:13:10:17

Speaker 4

Coming up with a framework that can help me live a life that isn't an act of detriment to myself in some sense is a cure, right? Because, if I think of cure not in terms of overcoming biology but, in terms of, solving the problem and not solving the problem. Well, I mean coming up with a framework that can help me live a fruitful life, that is a cure.

00:13:10:19 - 00:14:04:10

Speaker 5

Like the term, sometimes just operates as like a red flag to me and I'm like a warning sign I guess that like, maybe the person who is like, "Oh, don't you want to be cured?" or is like "Oh they're working on a cure for you." As like not really seeing me as someone who is something more than like a disability I guess? If cure is all you see that I want or like, like putting that over anything else that I want It's kind of like flattening the experience that I have and, making it more about them. It's like, "Oh hey, we've got a cure for you!" It's like you're doing me a favor? Not really because you're not listening to me at all so it's just like a kind of a red flag to me sometimes.

00:14:04:11 - 00:14:33:22

Speaker 6

Healing is not necessarily just being physically well but also being able to come to terms with and really kind of integrate. Having gone through whatever medical issue or hardship you've been through and being able to have it be authentically part of yourself while not taking over your identity.

00:14:37:10 - 00:14:49:18

Speaker 7

Disability wise like epilepsy is just one of those things that you can't really control sometimes so, I think cure is really frustrating.

00:14:51:11 - 00:15:20:00

Speaker 7

That's one thing I've wondered myself if I could get rid of my disabilities, the ones I grew up with, would I? I'd be a completely different person if I could go back and get rid of them. If I was magically cured now, I still don't necessarily know if I'd wanna be because I would be a different person by definition. What would I be like without all the stuff I deal with?

00:15:20:00 - 00:15:32:14

Speaker 8

Being free from the ways that I'm disabled even if it doesn't mean the disabilities don't go away.

00:15:32:16 - 00:16:05:06

Speaker 9

I feel like a cure is better for other, the are other people who need it, who should have it. I'm not saying that I should have anything but it's just more I just don't see this the hearing loss thing as a or my deafness I don't see my deafness as something that needs to necessarily be cured because I'm still a functional part of this world.

00:16:05:07 - 00:16:21:15

Speaker 10

Someone and something that I can connect to. That I can, I share fundamental feelings and... relationship.

00:16:21:16 - 00:16:39:03

Speaker 11

Take a deep breath. Don't screw up on your day while working on art in the art room. Or anywhere.